This is a difficult question to answer as queerplatonic relationships are different for different people and can be defined in many ways. However, they are essentially something that falls in between society’s categories of “friendship” and “romance”. It’s sometimes described as being more than friendship, but not romantic. It’s important to note that queerplatonic relationships aren’t “lesser” than romantic relationship – they are different, but not any less meaningful Again, these sorts of relationships are not exclusive to Aromantic and Aromantic adjacent identifying people, and is just another way to classify relationships between people.
Queerplatonic relationship, also called a quasiplatonic relationship, quirkyplatonic relationship, or qplatonic relationship (abbreviated QPR), is a term for an intimate, non-romantic committed relationship. It typically goes beyond what is considered normal or socially acceptable for a platonic relationship but is not romantic in nature or does not fully fit the traditional idea of a romantic relationship.
A queerplatonic relationship is a non-sexual, non-romantic partnership with an emotional strength that may be seen as beyond a friendship3 since it has the prioritization and commitment usually considered to be part of romantic relationships.4Queerplatonic relationships do not fit the "traditional" models of friendships or sexual relationships.5 Many queerplatonic relationships involve someone who is within the asexual spectrum,6 but people in them may be of any sexual orientation or gender.7
Now we have 2 of 3 sources that include commitment in their definition of ‘queerplatonic’. However, Zxay also include the following,
"Queerplatonic relationship structures tend to be non-exclusive, but can follow any model which feels right for the people involved."8
We have 2 of 3 sources that do include commitment in their definition of ‘queerplatonic’ but 1 of those 3 sources also includes a quote from The A-Z of Gender and Sexuality: From Ace to Ze by M. L. E. Holleb9 that states that ‘queerplatonic’ relationships are usually not committed relationships.
I once had a relationship that was not sexual or romantic but which was more than friendship. It was, however, platonic. I would not call our relationship ‘queerplatonic’ because that’s just fake and gay. But our relationship was as these authors describe insofar as commitment (in the sense of of exclusivity) is not required.
She was a straight woman and I am a straight man. We met at work. We were hired a few days apart and became friends soon after. Until our fellow employees befriended us, they thought that we were dating each other. She moved in with me. We slept together. Literally. We never had sex. I liked her scent, though. Sometimes we cuddled on the couch. I would never cuddle with a guy friend or sleep in the same bed with him (because I’m not gay) and I’ve had platonic female friends with whom I did not cuddle or sleep. This woman friend and I had something different. A few months later, while still literally sleeping with this special friend of mine, I began to date a new gal at work. This gal had known about my weird friendship with my platonic lady friend and she was OK with it. I’ll tell you, cuddling with 2 loving women on the couch and in bed can only be topped, one would think, by having a threesome with 2 women.
Nope.
Too much drama afterwards, eventually anyway. Even if it’s only coming from 1 of them, even if she tells you it’s all ok because she’s going on a first date with this guy she met anyway as she vigorously cleans the counter for the first time ever since you shared a kitchen instead of looking you in the eyes and - ok, wait, slow down, just, look - a threesome is almost not worth it if you’re close to both of them. Almost.
The amount of mutual intimacy in a queerplatonic relationship is determined by the individuals in the relationship.10
OK hold on. Returning to my special platonic woman friend,
I always assumed that it was only a matter of time before one of us would fall for a member of the opposite sex and that we would have to stop sleeping together and living together. But before that could ever happen, we each moved to opposite ends of the continent for different reasons so it was never an issue. We could each see that the other was hot yet we did not lust for each other nor did we fall in love. It’s just how we were. A little like siblings. Our friends shrugged. We never thought to categorize what we were or give it a name. If we wanted to, we would not use ‘queer’ in the name because that’s just wrong when you learn what ‘queer’ really means and because, in the final analysis, the term ‘queerplatonic’ is just fake and gay. It’s also weird and queer. I mean, we were kind of like best friends, but, I mean, just, it was, I can’t explain.
Queerplatonic attraction can be very similar to platonic attraction and alterous attraction. For some individuals these types of attraction greatly overlap. Not all individuals make a distinction between them. For others they may feel like there is a clear distinction between these feelings. Among those who do feel a distinction, queerplatonic attraction is often described as being stronger and more intimate than purely platonic attraction. Alterous attraction is the desire for intimacy that is neither platonic nor romantic, queerplatonic can be considered an extension of platonic attraction.
Someone who does not experience queerplatonic attraction and/or does not desire queerplatonic relationships may call themself aqueerplatonic. Queerplatonic attraction is not a requirement for a having or wanting a QPR. Some aqueerplatonic individuals may still want or have queerplatonic relationship, they just do not get squishes. Others who are aqueerplatonic might not desire a queerplatonic relationship. They may also identify as nonamorous.
One can read about the etymology and history of the term in “Queerplatonic Relationship” at LGBTQIA+ Wiki. I do, however, want to call your attention directly to the following passage,
"Queerplatonic relationships, and the language used to describe them, are an alternative to heteronormative relationships" and the "assumption that everyone wants romantic" and/or "sexual relationships."11
If needed, see the section on ‘heteronormativity’ (coming soon) in the Culture War Encyclopedia.
Xzay also write,
Zucchini
"Queerplatonic partners sometimes refer to one another as 'zucchinis'". It is an alternative to the term "'friend,' which downplays intimacy", and "'partners', which suggests a romantic or sexual relationship".12
Zucchini is a non-romantic noun used to describe someone in an "intimate, non-sexual relationship". The term "started as a joke term in the aromantic and asexual communities in the 2000s to highlight how there are no appropriate terms for describing significant, intimate relationships and love that are not romantic or sexual. The creation of zucchini shows a frustration with" societal expectations for a relationship, "or the assumption that romantic and sexual relationships are universally desired and the most important intimate bonds" formed.13
Squish
"Squish is a platonic, or aromantic, crush. The term was developed by the aromantic and asexual communities to describe their non-romantic and non-sexual feelings of attraction, and to highlight that love and infatuation are not necessarily tied to romance or lust."14
It started as LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) and later grew into LGBTQIA (adding in queer, intersex and asexual). But it may become even more inclusive as advocates push for the addition of three new labels: aromantic, demiromantic and queerplatonic.
Wait! What? ‘Demiromantic’?
OK, well, that’s an other one term for the “TO DO” list. Xhey also write,
"I have a queerplatonic partner, which is more intense than a normal best friend relationship, and it's almost like a romantic relationship but without any of the romantic attraction or any of the things that are usually considered romantic," Allen said. "It's just quite intense platonic feelings involved."
Stormy O'Brink, an LGBTQIA activist who identifies as asexual, said romance is not a factor "in any way, shape or form" for her and her partner, who identifies as lithromatic, which denotes a person who feels attraction toward another but does not desire reciprocation.
At least four different flag designs have been proposed for queerplatonic.16 Most of these flags use the colors yellow and pink. Yellow is commonly used to symbolize platonic relationships. Pink is possibly used because it is a light form of red, which is commonly used to represent romantic attraction, showing that queerplatonic relationships can sometimes resemble romantic relationships but that they are different nonetheless.
So, I googled “Queerplatonic Flag” and the above is the results….I’ve compiled most of the flags I’ve found with their relevant descriptions and sources
Also,
Flag 1: Queerplatonic(quasiplatonic/quirkyplatonic) Flag (source)
Flag 2: Queerplatonic Pride Flag (source) (This is the one I’ve seen used most commonly; link is from first google result, not from the creator)
Flag 4: Queerplatonic Flag (A variation on Flag #2 to be more aesthetically pleasing)
Flags for queerplatonic-spectrum identities
Flag 5: Apresqueerplatonic flag: only experiencing attraction after another form of attraction is felt. The attraction originally felt may or may not fade away over time, the new attraction replacing it. (source)
Flag 6: Aqueerplatonic flag: not experiencing queerplatonic attraction (source)
Flag 7: Gray-queerplatonic flag: feels queerplatonic attraction only rarely, weakly, or vaguely (source)
Flag 8: Demiqueerplatonic: feels queerplatonic attraction only after developing a strong emotional bond (source)
COMMENTARY
Earlier we read that ‘queerplatonic’ relationships
are essentially something that falls in between society’s categories of “friendship” and “romance”. It’s sometimes described as being more than friendship, but not romantic.
Like myself, the reader may be thinking that this description by itself (leaving out the part about commitment that some definitions include but that others do not) fits many relationships they may have had in life. From my experience, this is the sort of relationship that young adults tend to have with many members of the sex they are attracted to, at least until they ‘settle down’ or even just get into a serious monogamous relationship.
I, like most of my peers, had multiple close friends whom we found to be sexually attractive but with whom we shared a love that transcended sexuality or lack thereof. Sometimes we had sex (or just foreplay in some cases) and other times we did not. But we remained friends throughout and did not fall in love or have more than a couple of falling-outs. Sometimes the people involved did not lust for each other, but were still very close friends of the sex we are attracted to.
I can’t imagine that is unique to my own life experience. It does not seem to be a regional social phenomenon because I’ve lived in the North East, Deep South, Old West, North West, Appalachia and more and it’s been that way for me and my peers in all these places. Perhaps it was my generation. Perhaps not. But this term ‘queerplatonic’ is extraneous. Perhaps it is just fake and gay.
The author(s) place footnotes at this point in their text which privide the following;
The A-Z of Gender and Sexuality: From Ace to Ze by Morgan Lev Edward Holleb. Published 2019 by Jessica Kingsley Publishers. ISBN 9781785923425 (paperback), ISBN 9781784506636 (eBook)
The Little Book of LGBTQ+: An A—Z of Gender and Sexual Identities by Harriet Dyer. Published 2022 by Summersdale Publishers, Ltd. queerplatonic: "A close but non-sexual, non-romantic relationship that is beyond what most would consider to be friendship. It consists of emotional commitment and prioritization that may usually be seen in a romantic relationship. People in queerplatonic relationships may be of any gender or sexual identity." ISBN 9781627783231 (trade paper), ISBN 9781627785365 (e-book). Preceded by From Ace to Ze: The Little Book of LGBT Terms in 2018.
The Queens' English: The LGBTQIA+ Dictionary of Lingo and Colloquial Phrases by Chloe O. Davis. Published 2021 by Clarkson Potter/Publishers. queerplatonic relationship: "An extremely close, passionate attachment between two friends that has a strong emotional connection that may extend beyond the boundary of a 'normal' friendship. These relationships do not develop into sexual or romantic partnerships. A person in a queerplatonic relationship can be called a QUEERPLATONIC PARTNER, SQUISH, or ZUCCHINI. Want more info? Think: a loving bond between two people that does not fit the model of a traditional friendship or sexual relationship." ISBN 9780593135006, ISBN 9780593135013 (Ebook)
At this point, the author(s) place a footnote which reads;
The Little Book of LGBTQ+: An A—Z of Gender and Sexual Identities by Harriet Dyer. Published 2022 by Summersdale Publishers, Ltd. queerplatonic: "A close but non-sexual, non-romantic relationship that is beyond what most would consider to be friendship. It consists of emotional commitment and prioritization that may usually be seen in a romantic relationship. People in queerplatonic relationships may be of any gender or sexual identity." ISBN 9781627783231 (trade paper), ISBN 9781627785365 (e-book). Preceded by From Ace to Ze: The Little Book of LGBT Terms in 2018.
The A-Z of Gender and Sexuality: From Ace to Ze by Morgan Lev Edward Holleb. Published 2019 by Jessica Kingsley Publishers. ISBN 9781785923425 (paperback), ISBN 9781784506636 (eBook)
The Queens' English: The LGBTQIA+ Dictionary of Lingo and Colloquial Phrases by Chloe O. Davis. Published 2021 by Clarkson Potter/Publishers. queerplatonic relationship: "An extremely close, passionate attachment between two friends that has a strong emotional connection that may extend beyond the boundary of a 'normal' friendship. These relationships do not develop into sexual or romantic partnerships. A person in a queerplatonic relationship can be called a QUEERPLATONIC PARTNER, SQUISH, or ZUCCHINI. Want more info? Think: a loving bond between two people that does not fit the model of a traditional friendship or sexual relationship." ISBN 9780593135006, ISBN 9780593135013 (Ebook)
The Little Book of LGBTQ+: An A—Z of Gender and Sexual Identities by Harriet Dyer. Published 2022 by Summersdale Publishers, Ltd. queerplatonic: "A close but non-sexual, non-romantic relationship that is beyond what most would consider to be friendship. It consists of emotional commitment and prioritization that may usually be seen in a romantic relationship. People in queerplatonic relationships may be of any gender or sexual identity." ISBN 9781627783231 (trade paper), ISBN 9781627785365 (e-book). Preceded by From Ace to Ze: The Little Book of LGBT Terms in 2018.
The A-Z of Gender and Sexuality: From Ace to Ze by Morgan Lev Edward Holleb. Published 2019 by Jessica Kingsley Publishers. ISBN 9781785923425 (paperback), ISBN 9781784506636 (eBook)
The A-Z of Gender and Sexuality: From Ace to Ze by Morgan Lev Edward Holleb. Published 2019 by Jessica Kingsley Publishers. ISBN 9781785923425 (paperback), ISBN 9781784506636 (eBook)
The A-Z of Gender and Sexuality: From Ace to Ze by Morgan Lev Edward Holleb. Published 2019 by Jessica Kingsley Publishers. ISBN 9781785923425 (paperback), ISBN 9781784506636 (eBook)
The A-Z of Gender and Sexuality: From Ace to Ze by Morgan Lev Edward Holleb. Published 2019 by Jessica Kingsley Publishers. ISBN 9781785923425 (paperback), ISBN 9781784506636 (eBook)
The A-Z of Gender and Sexuality: From Ace to Ze by Morgan Lev Edward Holleb. Published 2019 by Jessica Kingsley Publishers. ISBN 9781785923425 (paperback), ISBN 9781784506636 (eBook)
The A-Z of Gender and Sexuality: From Ace to Ze by Morgan Lev Edward Holleb. Published 2019 by Jessica Kingsley Publishers. ISBN 9781785923425 (paperback), ISBN 9781784506636 (eBook)
